The Pretentious Greek Word

2003-04-29T22:59:00.000-07:00

Gather round again, children. It's story time.

Once upon a time there was a man who had no life. He had a modestly successful job, sure, and he carried on with employees, but when arriving home, he mostly ate hot pockets and read Wired magazine.

One morning, he was listening to a record by Guster when he heard the phone ring. He picked it up.

"Sir? We need you at 3243 W. Park St. right away."

The man put on some shorts and an overcoat and took to the streets. He got a taxi, and went to the given location.

Shortly afterwards, he heard a large noise. All of a sudden, a danish pastry fell from the sky. Then, he passed out.

He woke up in his apartment room, in his bed. Only, when he went to get up, he discovered he was superglued to the bed. He began to thrash very violently until he discovered he was weightless.

This, of course, did not last long, and soon he fell to earth. He decided he needed to cool it on the Spiritualized records and Jell-O shots.

The end.

2003-04-29T22:50:00.000-07:00

This is now an all-purpose blog.

Like its always been.

2003-04-29T22:43:00.000-07:00

Tonight's gonna be one nite of post, lemme tell ye.

2003-04-22T16:46:00.000-07:00

IN DEFENSE OF "THOSE @#$! POINT-AND-CLICK ADVENTURE GAMES":

I consider myself a pretty devoted, skilled, hardcore gamer. I don't play nearly as much as I did back in the day, but there was a time when I was pretty good at multiplayer Quake, and I still do well when I choose to play some RTS every now and then. There are very few games I don't beat.

Anyway, enough ego inflation and on to the point. I, as well as many other gamers, was always haunted by the fact that the #1 selling computer game, in a decade that brought us real-time action games that our parents would have dreamed of if they were geeky and bored, was that pre-rendered over-glorified Power Point slideshow of a game, Myst. If you've never heard of Myst, chances are a) you're young, b) you slept for most of 1993-1995, or c) you live in some third world country that can't afford computer games yet have access to the internet, probably because of some public service like a library, and you somehow visit this page without the government being notified. (I'd wager on that last one, given both the likelihood of it all and my immense popularity). Basically, you get a first person view of a place. You click on a door, and you magically appear at the front of that door. You click on a book, and the book magically becomes suspended in front of your face. All the action is based on pre-drawn images, and the little animation that you encounter is pre-rendered video.

So I continued to mock this unholy disgrace of a game, never picked up the sequel, Riven, but mocked it anyway, pointing out that you had to change CDs every 10 minutes, and yawned apathetically when Myst 3 was released. I continued playing my usual gaming patterns, when, one day, I got this wierd yearning. "Remember in Myst, when you spent like 3 hours trying to spell out the right melody to get to the Selentic Age, only to get there and then be completely lost and hopeless? Remember when you finally found that Railway Maze, and then disregarded the audio guidance and got lost beyond all hope? Wouldn't be fun to do it all over again?" My initial answer should have been "no", but I was watching Like Mike with my family, and my judgement was very much impared.

The problem was, I had long since gotten rid of my Myst disc, probably in an act of self-defense. So, armed with a $20 bill, I headed to Comp USA. (Which prompts an obvious question: If we're renaming all the French stuff in our country with "freedom", what would the French call their Comp USAs? Comp "Above-Ground Nuclear Testing"? Comp "Post-Modernist Haven"? Comp "We Blew Up the Rainbow Warrior?" Sorry, that wasn't funny, and by that logic, Freedom Fries would be Pinochet Fries.)

In a move of marketing genius, the software distributor forced me into buying the Myst Trilogy, due to a standalone Myst being long since discontinued. I was a bit irate, because I had just purchased two games I really didn't want, but I felt better when I realized that because the compilation set was $20, I was spending a paltry two bucks a CD.

I played Myst soon after arriving home, and oddly enough, I had a good time. Not because it was actually fun, but because it was all nostalgic. And even more odd, the nostalgia carried over to Riven, which, as stated earlier, I had never played before. Just the whole point-and-click thing made me feel like I was in 4th grade again, only without the ADD.

I titled this entry "IN DEFENSE OF 'THOSE @#$! POINT-AND-CLICK ADVENTURE GAMES'", and that is my defense. They're fun because their old, not because they're fun. Okay, so it's a weak defense, but I'm not too fond of the target. Only infatuated with it, much as you are when you meet an old girl at a High School reunion that you never really liked.

2003-04-22T16:12:00.000-07:00

Does every idiosyncratic rock band since 1988 HAVE to do the obligitory spy-surf number?

I suppose that one was hypothetical, too.

2003-04-22T16:05:00.000-07:00

Does the University of Phoenix even have a campus in Phoenix?

Yes, that was hypothetical.

2003-04-22T16:01:00.000-07:00

Job Interview Hint #37: Memorize a big word prior to the meeting. If things get shaky, use it. It's your ace in the hole.

However, use discretion when picking the word. Pre-eminence, for example, will probably be useful, whereas auricle will just be awkward.

2003-04-22T15:55:00.000-07:00

I never post.

2003-04-15T15:22:00.000-07:00

This template is so ugly, yet so professional.

2003-04-15T14:56:00.000-07:00

WEEKLY FUN WITH EDITORIALS!

From the April 14th Idaho Statesman:

Frightening leader

I must defend your editorial page staff against the opinion of Myrtle Mae Christensen in the April Fools Day newspaper. Nevertheless, I commend its publication. You should read the history of Hitler´s rise to power, Myrtle. The parallels with the rise of George W. Bush are uncanny and frightening. George W. Bush is without a doubt the most dangerous president our once free nation has ever experienced. The question is: Will the nation survive his demolition of the Constitution? He compares to no former president in either party. Blind follow-the-leader thinking can destroy us, too.

*Some obligitory religious hodgepodge deleted for topicality reasons*

Joe Voight

Oh, I agree, Joe. Hitler and Bush's life history go hand in hand. Let's do a historical play-by-play comparison.

FATHERS

Bush had a supportive father that helped gain power throughout his life.
Hitler's dad beat him in drunken rages.

Score: 0/1

EDUCATION

Bush got into an top college, believed, by critics, due to his family's power.
Hitler couldn't get into art school to save his career.

Score: 0/2

EARLY FAME

Bush became Governor of Texas.
Hitler became the a member of the National Socialist party, and got too drunk in a beer hall one night as he attempted a revolution and was promptly jailed.

Score: 0/3

BASIS OF IDEALS

Bush seems to be spurred by the Reaganite beliefs of tax cuts, conservative domestic policy and a pro-active foreign policy for the preservation of allies.
Hitler wrote Mein Kampf.

Score: 0/4

GUILT OF ACCUSATIONS

Bush has been accused of imperialism and oil-lust. US troops have been welcomed as liberators and companies with ties to his administration such as Halliburton have stepped out of reconstruction.
Hitler wrote openly about Third Reichs and Master Races.

Score: 0/5

ELECTIONS

Bush was elected, dispite a bizarre election.
Hitler was elected, due to bizzare times.

Score: 1/6

CIVILIAN CASUALTIES

Bush: The official line for the war on the Taliban was about 1000, doves put it at 4000. Iraq hasn't been stated yet, the number Marc Harold (the guy who came up with the previous 4000) has been pushing around a statistic in the neighborhood of 1600. Some leftists like to claim Bush's policy brought upon the 9/11 attacks, about 3000.
Total: 2600 civilians, 9200 if you like to stretch. Also, the war on the Taliban wasn't a preemptive war, nor a genocide, so, in fairness, I'd give Bush 1600 deaths (probably less) for the liberation of millions. But, that's my opinion.
Hitler: See WWII, Holocaust.
Total: 30 million civilians.

Final score: 1/7.

Man, just look at the similarities. It's just like those Kennedy-Lincoln parallels!

2003-04-12T12:06:00.000-07:00

A Do-It-Yourself Special: Make a Distortion Effect For Your Acoustic Guitar!!!

I like to think that reading my writing has a positive effect on people, and this idea only proves me even more right. For in just a few short steps, I will teach you how to make your acoustic guitar sound more electric-ish! That's saving you 200 bucks if you don't have an electric guitar, 50 bucks if you don't have a cheap amp, 20 bucks if you don't have a piece of crud Danelectro distortion pedal, etc.

Anyway, here goes!

Step #1: Go buy a bunch of cheap, meaningless garbage.

Remember, we're talking about saving money here. So, be sure whatever you buy is REALLY, REALLY cheap.

Here is a example list. Whatever you buy should be about the same:

40 Packages of Individually Packaged Cat Food
53 Kool-Aid Packets
7 Small Packages of Bullion Cubes
3 Bags of Malt-o Meal

That should be about enough.

Step #2: Keep the Receipt!

You need to do this for 2 reasons: First of all, because tax season is coming next week and it would be wise if you've already paid taxes to start keeping a log of expeditures for next year. Second, this is the source of amplification!!!

Step #3: Weave Receipt Through Guitar Strings

Near the body of the guitar, weave the receipt in and out of the strings. It's probably smart to have the reciept go about halfway through, because over time it will begin to slip out.

Step #4: Rock Out!

With the reverberations caused by having the vibrations muffled by the receipt, you now have a nice, lean disortion sound! It's like a kazoo, only more hard rocking!

Pictures of this groundbreaking experiment soon to be posted!

2003-04-12T11:52:00.000-07:00

Employment is a proud term to be bestowed with.

2003-04-10T19:42:00.000-07:00

For those reading in chronological order: Yes, most posts will continue to be as stupid as the ones you just read.

2003-04-10T19:40:00.000-07:00

Please note that if there are any spelling errors on this blog, it is compensated for the fact that absolutely everything I say here is correct, right, and true.

2003-04-10T19:39:00.000-07:00

To quote Paul McCartney: "GOTTA GETCHA IN TO MAH LIFE! (do do DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO)"

2003-04-10T19:38:00.000-07:00

Now would be a good time to tell you about myself. So gather around, for my tale is a tale of epic proportions.

Upon a stormy night, my mother began feeling the need to perform childbirth. She was quickly rushed to the hospital, and soon performed an act that would be remembered in both ecstacy and agony by many generations. The act: giving birth to me.

Even at a young age, my unparalleled brillance shone through like a halogen light pointed at rested pupils. I recieved a grant from the Carnegie Foundation to encouage education among the youth, and was enlisted as a Jr. Peace Corps volunteer.

Soon afterwards, I completed my 5th grade curriculum. "Curriculum" sure is a funny word, isn't it? I don't think I spelt it correctly, but in it's current state, it's up there with "Gouda" and "Yucca" in pure, unadulterated hiliarity. "Unadulterated" is up there, too, but it's humor seems to rely on an abundance of prefixes and suffixes, so it loses points on a technicality. I mean, without "un" and "ated", it becomes "adulter", which is the root of "adultery", which is really not much of a funny word. Let's compare. Shout "Curriculum!" in a foreign nation, and the citizens laugh. Do the same with "Adultery!", and, well, the reaction will range from odd looks and awkward silences to enforcements of Sharia Law, depending on the location.

But, yes, back to 6th grade. From then to about Freshman year High School is what historians like to refer to as the "Lost Years". Few facts are known, and fewer facts want to be known.

Then, Sophmore year, I returned to form when I performed air guitar onstage with a reunited Def Leppard for 4 seconds before being knocked unconsious by security guards. A glorious moment, to be sure.

And then, arriving to Junior year of high school. Well, that would be right now. And know you know the rest of the story.

2003-04-10T19:17:00.000-07:00

I have had blogs before, and rest assured, they were genius. No one disputed that.

Then again, few ever saw them, so it would prove difficult to suggest that there was any consideration, let alone dispute. So I suppose I am not being entirely fair.

But, if one thing is certain, this blog will continue in the spirit of awesomeness that characterized those that came before it. Really, I do think that goes without saying.

See you later.